


A Cliche Harry Potter THREEQUEL

by homosandhomies



Series: A Cliche Harry Potter Fanfic [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Arranged Marriage, Bittersweet Ending, Confusing, Crack, Established Relationship, F/M, Forced Marriage, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I'm Bad At Summaries, James Potter Lives, Lily Evans Potter Lives, M/M, Making Love, Marriage, Meta, Metafiction, Original Character(s), POV Third Person, Plot Twists, References to My Immortal, Remus Lupin Lives, Reunions, Sirius Black Lives, Slash, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-21
Updated: 2019-09-17
Packaged: 2020-09-23 11:17:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 7,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20339239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/homosandhomies/pseuds/homosandhomies
Summary: It's nineteen years later, and there's more to the story!AKA I suck at summariesAKA I'M BACK BITCHES(Note: Please read the two fics that come before this one. It will make much more sense. Thank you!)





	1. 19 Years Later

"Mummy, Daddy, what if I’m put in Slytherin?" Summer asked because 11-year-old call their parents Mummy and Daddy? (Also yes I made a self-insert character fight me)

A now 36-uyear-old Rose said,, "Your uncle Draco was a SLytherina nd he turned out ok"

"Mummy, Uncle Draco is kind of an arsehole," Summer pointed out.

"YEs,btu for some reason the fandomc hooses ot ignroe that and forcusses on his attractiveness instead," rsoe said. 

"I resent Sytherin vbecause of my abusive SLutherin parents," said FIFTY-FUCKING-SEVEN YEAR OLD SIRIUS.

"I'm confused," Summer said. "Should I or shouldn't I be worried about being put in Slytherin?"

" ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ " her parents said.

"Okay!" Summer exclaimed.

*

Sumemr sat in a compartment with her four cosuisns who uoul’ll prbably forget the names of over and over again, Jayden (Drarry's son), James (Hinny's son who's name changed from the last book because continuity), Rose II (Romione's daughter), and Madison (Snamione's daughter). Hermone raised her daughters with fred and Georgre but they died because polot convienice.

"JaYDEN, COULD YOU STOP BREAHTING PLASE?" Rose II complained.

"YOU FIRST, BTICH," Jayden retorted.

"You guys bicker liek an old married couple!" Madison gushed.

"Uhhhh, no they don't," Summer said in confusion. "Why does OC Draco's son always have to be a bastard? Why can't a male character ever be sweet and nerdy? Like Scorpius Malfoy!"

"Who.???" tehy all sked.

Summer sighed in disappointment.

*

As Summer and teh sqaud wer ein lien for The Sortign Hatt, teh aht only caleld the names of the mainc haracters.

"Rose Weasley...GRYFFINDOR11!"

"Madison Snape... GYRFFINDOR1!"

"James Potter... whaddaya fuckin thinkGUYRINNFOR!"

"Jayden Malfoy-Potter… RYFFINDOR~!”

Now the moment peopek have been aniticpatign or whatever..

"Summer Black!" (A.N: It's so weird seeing me have a different last name) and beghold... a plot twuste evryone expected... "SLYTHERIN!"

Le gasp!

(Author’s note: I’m actually a Gryffindor. But remember, this is crack)


	2. unexpected news

rOSE was in an abiguosu aprt of her house when she srecvieved a letter from an owl.

Dear Mummy and Daddy,

How are you? I really miss you. I just wanted to give you some news... I was put in Slytherin. My cousins have been awkward around me, but the Slytherin students are actually very nice to me. I've already made some friends. Please don't disown me.

Love,

Summer

Ros egasped. “Sirius!”

Sirius walked into the abiguous room and said with concern, "What's wrong, babe?"

Rose showed teh letter to her husbamd. WWhen he finished reading it, he looked ta his wife, flabbergasted (ha that’s a fun word).

Becaus ethey didn;’t knwo how to reacrt, tehy invited teh rest of trhe sqyd over and showed them the ltter.

"Well, I’m a Slytherin, so I don’t really mind," Draco said.

"Yeah, I don't see it as that big of a deal," Ginny said. Harry and Hermione agreed.

Ross's jaw dropped. “But…. But uts a plot twsit!”

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Do you love your daughter any less?"

Rose looked down.

"is dis bitch for real?" draco muttered.

Sirius held Rose”# hand. “You seem stressed, mu love. How abi5 we go ok a date?”

Ose smiled. ‘Okay!” Then they made out sexxily™.

Everyone awwwed, until Harry got a callo on his phone even though electornics odn’t work int he wiaarding word.. "Hello? What? REALLY? Okay, thank you." He hung up. "Tahtw as Kingsley... Remus is still alive."

gasp!


	3. Remus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> uwu

Hsry, Sirius, and Rose satin Kingsley’s office, watyitng for teh minister to enter. Sirius was looking through books on a shelf to calm himself down, when he came across a book with a pitcure of a gtohic teenage girl on th4 cover. My Immortal.

Sirius touched the book, and instantly felt a strange feeling inside; he didn’t know what it was, but he felt changed in a way, more grounded. He put the book inside his jacket so he could look at it further later to figure out what that feeling was.

"Why did Dumbledore hide this from us!? He didn't put it in his will or anything!" Harry demanded.

"Dumbledore told me it was for the greater good," Kingsley sighed.

"GREATER GOOD MY ARSE!" Sirius yelled. "DUMBLEDORE LIED TO US ABOUT HARRY'S MENTOR AND MY BEST FRIEND'S EXISTENCE FOR YEARS!"

“Oh! tHat reminds me!” Roise chireped.. "Where are James and lily? We haven’t seen them since Dumbledore reveale dthey’re stillalive 19 years ago.”

Oh, the autjor forgot” Kimglse sais. “but shell’ prinabnlu but then in some lGater chapoyers.”

"She better," Harry growled. "Now where is Remus?"

Remus walked out of a closet (cAn AnyOnE tElL mE wHaT fOrEsHaDoWiNg Is) and said, "I'm here."

Ok get ready for a serious moment (or a Sirius moment lol puns) but for real it gets emotional: 

Sirius gasped and slowly walked towards the other man, unsure if this was real life or just fantasy. He placed a hand on Remus's cheek. "It's you," he whispered with tears in his eyes. "It's really you."

Remus started forming tears as well. "It's me."

The two men embraced, closing the space of thirty-six years of separation. Remus ended the embrace hesitantly and hugged Harry, less passionately, but still with deep love and care. "It's good to see you," Harry laughed, tears forming in his eyes as well as he faces his mentor.

Remus pulled away a few seconds later and coughed awkwardly. "Uh... who's this?" he asked, gesturing to Rose.

“Hi!” rose sdaid. “I’m Rose, Harry’s twin.”

“Oh ywah, I femsmbdr hou,: he said. "I was around when you and Harry were babies, but you were separated for the greater good."

"Yup," she confirmed.

Suddenly, Snape walked into the office. He interrupted Remus with, "Hello, love." He walked over to Remus and kissed his cheek.

"EXQUEEZE ME?" Sirius gasped in disbelief.

"Sirius... Severus is my boyfriend," Remus said.

"WHAT" Harry yelled.

"You gusy can arugue later, I Jhave an idea!!!1" That annoying bitch Rose said. "Teh four of us should go on a doubledate.”

"No," Sirius, Remus, and Snape all said in unison.

"”Too bad! Do as I say!”.

“Can't I spend some time with Remus?” Harry argued. “I deserve to -”

“NOPE” Rose said

“And what happened to Tonks -”

“SHADDUP”

“But she's a good chara -”

“SHUT UP HARRY!”


	4. Date Night

Rose and Sirius were getting dressed in their bedroom, getting ready for their double date. Now I will go into detail about Rose's outfit because this is crack, mind you.

Rose was wearing a flowy red dress and matching heels, her black hair curled into waves. Ok now let's move to the plot.

“Why the hell is Remus dating Snivellus?” Sirius grumbled.

“I thinkt hey;re cute!” Rose said.

“You don't know them like I do,” Sirius said.

“UH I KNOW EVERYTHING” ROSE SAID ANGRILY.

Sirius sighed. “Okay. Sure.” In his most recent years, he started noticing how strange his wife was.

*

Rose and Sirius sat across from Sirius and Remus at the Three Broomsticks because that is the only magical restaurant fanfic writers can think of even though it is a pub.

‘Sp remus, how did ayou and snape start dating?” Rpse aked.

“After Snape pretty much made me quit my job, the only thing that made me happy and the only way I could see my best friend's son, Dumbledore sent me to St. Mango for the greater good.” We all nodded.

“Why must you bring that part up?” Snape said crossly.

“Well, it did happen,” Remus pointed out.

“But I apologized! Quit holding it against me.”

“I'm not holding it against you!” Remus muttered tensley. “We keep on arguing over the same thing!”

Sirius snorted.

“Anyway,” Remus said, “I was in St. Mangas and Snape visited me, apologizing for what he did. I yelled at him, then we hate fucked. After a while, those hate fucks become love fucks,” he said lovingly while staring at Snape. Snape kissed his boyfriend happily.

Sirius looked down, pretending to stick a finger down his throat, making gagging noises.

“You okay?” rsoe sasked he rhsubamd/

“Uh… yeah,” Sirius said quickly. Remus glanced at him in confusion but Snape stopped him with another kiss.

*

When Rose and Sirius got home, Rose immediately said, “I’M GONNA FUCKYOU SO HARD OTIGHT”

“Oh, uh,” Sirius stammered, “I.. uh… I don't feel so good tonight.”

Rose gasped. “YOU DONT LOVE ME ANYMORE!!!111!’

“What!?” Sirius exclaimed. “Of course I love you! I’m just not in the mood for sex right now!”

Rose stopped crying, her puffy cheeks somehow disappearing. “Oh. Ok!”

*

A few days later, Rose had work but Sirius had a day off, so he invited Remus over to talk.

“I need to show you something,” Sirius said urgently when Remus stepped in the door. “Look at this book.” He handed the gothic-looking book that he found days ago to Remus.

“What is this?” Remus questioned. He held the book and froze for a moment, almost paralyzed, then suddenly breathed in deeply as if he just came up from underwater. “Huh… that was weird… what just happened?”

“That’s what happened to me when I touched it,” Sirius said. “I don’t know what’s up with this book, but I need to find out.”

“Oh, okay,” Remus said, slightly unsure but intrigued. “Can we just sit and talk for a bit? Make up for lost time?”

“I’d love nothing more,” Sirius agreed. They sat down on the sofa and conversation began. “So… How are you and Snape doing?”

“... Uh, we broke up yesterday after dinner,” Remus said. Suppressing the urge to cheer, Sirius asked why, to which Remus responded, “He was jealous… of you...”

Sirius’s eyes widened. “Oh.”

“Remember Hogwarts, before everything happened?” Remus reminisced. “Yeah, there was a war going on, and we were scared… but we were determined. And we were happy, just you, me, James, Lily… and Peter,” he added.

Sirius sighed. “I definitely remember. I remember our first date. I remember our first kiss…” He smiled. “I remember our first ‘I love you,’ I remember our first time… how could I possibly forget any of it?” Sirius’s smile suddenly disappeared and he stood up. “What did you see in Snape in the first place?! He was obsessed with Lily, made you quit your job, was just straight up racist, and is the reason we were separated from our best friends! Why, Remus?!”

“I don’t know!” Remus said.

“WE PROMISED THAT NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENED, WE WOULD LOVE EACH OTHER NO MATTER WHAT! I WOULD BE OKAY WITH YOU FINDING SOMEONE NEW TO LOVE, BUT SNAPE?”

“What!? I don’t care about Snape anymore. And you’re such a hypocrite! You married Rose, your goddaughter of all people!”

Sirius froze. “...I… why did I do that? ... It’s like… some spell or curse… I don’t think I even love Rose.. I hardly like her.”

Remus had the same expression on his face. “I don’t love Snape… I don’t know why I ever felt that way…”

“Now that I think about it…” Sirius pondered, “I think all of these strange things have happened because of Rose. Come to think about it, I don’t think I remember Lily giving birth to twins. All of these personality changes, plot twists, everything… it links back to Rose.”

There was a pause, then they both exclaimed at the same time, “Ebony!”

“Who?” Sirius said, confused. “How do we know that name?”

“I don’t know,” Remus responded honestly. “But it must link back to her, whoever she is.”

Neither of the men had any idea who this Ebony girl was, but they just had a feeling… she was the reason they were seperated. She was the reason they had to spend years deprived of love.

They needed each other, now more than ever.

Sirius put a finger to Remus mouth, silencing him. “Let’s not talk about her right now. We can worry about her later. I just…” Sirius pressed his lips against Remus’s tenderly. “Let’s be together right now.”

Remus responded with a passionate, messy, lustful kiss. Any other thought was gone, all they could think was that there were too many clothes. They stripped each other of their layers and continued to shower each other in kisses, then made love.


	5. Godric's Hollow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This fic is slowly becoming less crack and I love myself

After a long overdue love session and cuddle, Sirius and Remus decided that the first step to figuring out who Ebony was was finding James and Lily.

So there they were, Godric’s Hollow, about to face their best friends - their real best friends - for the first time in thirty-six years.

Remus knocked on the door, and a man with a pointed nose, hazel eyes, and messy black hair opened it. He was not exactly like the man they remembered. “Hello…” James automatically said, until he was face to face with the two men in front of him. His eyes widened. “Is it… is it really you?”

“You bet your arse it’s us!” Sirius laughed.

James grinned and tightly hugged the both of them, practically making them unable to breathe. He let go and yelled into the house, “Lily! Get down here!”

Footsteps rumbled down the stairs and woman with fiery red hair and emerald green eyes asked, “What is it, love?” She looked up. “Oh my God!” She ran to Sirius and Remus and embraced them the same way James did so. “I can’t believe it! This is crazy!”

Sirius and Remus got a good look at the couple in front of them. They were just like the James and Lily they remembered, but different. During the first wizarding war, they were always hopeful, excited, filled with zest for life, feeling that nothing could ever stop them from defeating Voldemort. But these two were different, more tired, defeated, but nonetheless still James and Lily Potter.

The four of them soon sat down and had tea, ready to discuss.

“It’s a lot to explain at once,” Lily said. “Put your hands on the book again, you’ll remember everything.”

Remus and Sirius put their hands on the book. It took a few minutes, but everything came to them, their real lives, filled with love and tragedy. Then there was this other world, a stranger one, where they spoke incorrectly and dressed like those gothic Muggles. The there was this world. When the memories were over, their minds returned, shocked and exasperated.

“I don’t understand,” Remus said to himself.

“I’ll explain the gaps,” James said. “The timeline with the wizarding wars, our deaths, the prophecy, all that was real. During that timeline, there was an alternate universe, the gothic one. A girl named Ebony lived in the stranger version of our world. There were people with our names, but we were different. We were ‘goths’ and spoke with an IQ of 0. Ebony tried defeating Voldemort, but she couldn’t, so she came to our world, wiped our memories, and gave us new backstories. This world.”

“The four of us were the only people who knew,” Lily explained. “Ebony forgot to wipe our memories. So she used the Imperius Curse on Dumbledore to lock us up and make us think this world is real. It worked somewhat, but Remus and James and I were the only ones who remembered when we ‘reunited’,” she said with finger quotes, “with James and that Rose girl.”

“Rose must be Ebony,” Sirius put together. “They’re both unpredictable, grammatically incorrect, and obnoxious.”

“Precisely,” James said. “You never got to touch the book, so you accepted your fate with Rose. We don’t know why Remus was still locked up but we weren’t; Ebony wasn’t too smart. And now we’re here, I guess.”

Sirius and Remus stared blankly at the Potters. “Damn,” Sirius put simply. “So… what should we do now?”

Lily smiled mischievously. “I think it’s about time we tried bringing back the Order.”


	6. The Order of the Phoenix

Lily and James stood in the kitchen, trying to find it in them to face the crowd in the next room.

“Our own son won’t know it’s us,” Lily whispered. “Our baby.”

“Hey,” James said softly, holding Lily’s hands. “He will know. We’ll end the curse. We’ll be with our son again.”

Lily kissed her husband softly. “Okay. Let’s do this.” Hand in hand, they entered the dining room and stood by Remus and Sirius.

“Welcome to the not-so-welcoming Grimmauld Place,” Sirius announced.

‘Where’s Rose?’ harry asked.

Resisting the urge to run over to his son, James said, “She can’t be here.”

“EVERYTHING YOU ALL KNOW IS A LIE!” Sirius snapped.

Remus put a hand on Sirius’s shoulder. “Sirius! One step at a time!”

Sirius sighed. “Okay, fine. So, this might come as a shocker, but this isn’t our world. You all were transported here.”

The crowd all looked confused.

“It’s true,” James said. “Our world is very different than this one. There was politics, racism, wars - “

“It sounds liek that world ssucked ass,” Ginny comp;ained. “I’d rather stay here” She and Dracoa nd Hary mad eout sexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxily666

“You don’t understand!” Lily protested. “The world was unfair, but it was real. The world had tragedies, but miracles too. We had free will. We fought for what was right, we loved, we had purpose! All of you are just pawns in Rose’s game of chess!”

“I’m up fopr a game of chess right now, woujdl anyone liek to join?” hemrioen suggested

“NOT A LITERAL CHESS GAME!” Remus yelled. “Figuratively. You’re all morons! Rose is controlling you. She just wants power. She doesn’t give a damn about any of us.”

“Thats;a a lie!” Drafi said. “Ros eis a saint!” Everyone started yelling in agreement.

Remus sighed. “I don’t think we made much progress,” he muttered sarcastically to his friends.

SLAM!

“HI BITHCES!” Rose said nonchalantly as she strolled into the house.

James, Lily, and Remus disapparated. Sirius quickly cast a silencing charm on the guests.

“Hi.. darling!” Sirius said fake cheerfully, trying not to gag now that he remembers he's a raging homosexual. “What brings you here?”

“Well,I didn;t know wher eyou were, but my wifey senses told me to come here. Ater all, i know you hetter than anyone else.”

No you don't, Sirius thought to himself bitterly. Remus, Lily, and James know me best.

“You're right about that one, Rose,” Sirius said.

Rose raised an eyebrow. “What’s everyone doig here?’ she asked, gesturing to the crowd.

“Oh, uh…” Sirius tried racking his brain for an excuse. “We're training… for the Olympics. Mahjong.”

Rose nodded. “Otay then ! Good luck!” She leaned into Sirius as if she were to kiss him, but instead she said in a deep, dark voice, “You're going to need it.” She disapparated.

*  
Dear Ms Granger,

There;s a new amrriage law so now you have to amrry Severy sSnaoe as soon as possible.. Dealw ith it. I fyou don’t marry him, you;kk be sent to Azakvan for forever and a half/

Sinicerely,

Ten ministery fo Magic

“Dose stoopid fuxckin preps!!!!1!” Rose whispered to herself before tying the letter to an owl's foot.


	7. An Engagement

Hermione was in her office, chillin out maxin relaxin all cool, while doing some paperwork, when she heard a owl hoot from the window. She walked over to the window and untied a scroll of parchment from the owl’s leg, and read the letter to herself.

“Wha!?” she gasped out loud. Knowing there was only one person she could explain the situation to, she apparated to Hogwarts in searcj of Snap even though you can’t apparate inside Hohwarts. Sje found him in his bed chambers, draped over a chair like the drama queen he is.

“What the devil is going on heeeeere?” Snape asked bitterly.

“I got a letter - “ Hermione started, but was interrupted.

“I got the letter too, I’m not an idiot,” Snape barked.

“Well, what do you suppose we do?” Hermione asked, accusingly.

“We have to go through with it. I’m not planning on going to Azkaban,” Snape said

A voice in Hermione wanted to shout. Why would the Ministry of Magic make this kind of law with no explanation? her brain said, but was overpowered by a cloudy mist of obedience. “Ugh, fine,” she groaned. “But I am NOT sleeping in the same bed as you, or even kissing you!”

Snape scoffed. “If you’re going to be my wife, you will obey me! You will submit to me!”

“As if!”

Snape responded with a slap. Hermione gasped at the pain. “Ugh, whatever,” she moaned. “Okay, but since I have to submit to you or whatever, I only have one rule… you have to meet your daughter.”

“I have a daughter?” Snape asked, confused.

“Uh, yeah,” Hermione said. “Remember, in my seventh year at Hogwarts?”

Snape had a sudden look or realization. “Oh, I remember that,” he said. “Ew, no, I hate kids.”

“Fine!” Hermione yelled. “I don’t want my daughter knowing she has a stale ham sandwich of a father. The wedding is tomorrow, don’t be late.” She disapparated.


	8. The Wedding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I want to warn you: The song that Rose sings in this chapter is an actual song. I'm not joking.

Wedding bells were ringing, the bridesmaids were singing, something something inging.

Hermione Granger walked down the aisle, feeling more like she was walking towards her grave, kind of like how Bella looked when she was about to marry Edward. Like bruh, why do you look so constipated and miserable?

Anyway, Hermione was wearing a beautiful wedding dress, about to marry one Severus (middle name) Snape. When she got to the altar, she resisted the urge to close her eyes, choosing to silently cringe instead.

“Do you, Severus Snape, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?” the officiater, who was Rose, of course, asked.

“It beats getting sent to Azkaban, so sure,” Snape said absentmindedly.

“Do you, Hermione Granger, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?”

Hermione hesitated.

“Do you?” Rose repeated, this time somewhat more forcefully.

“Er, sure, I do, whatever…” Hermione muttered.

“By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride!”

Trying not to vomit on one another, the pair leaned in and their lips touched. To their surprise and literally everyone else’s, they both felt a spark, so they deepened the kiss, with Snape wrapping his arms around Hermione’s waist, and she wrapped her arms around his neck.

Rose smirked in satisfaction, looking at the couple, then looked Sirius in the eye, who was sitting in the middle row, looking disgusted.

At the reception, everyone’s favorite band, AKA Rose’s band back in Hogwarts, Your Physical Hatred, were warming up their instruments.

Rose hopped onto the stage and grabbed the mic. “Okay, everyonw. Give it up for Mr. and Mrs. Snape!”

Arms linked, Her,ione and snapple entered the ballroom. Applause ringing throughout.

They staretd dancing as Rose announced, “dis song is dedicated 2 dA cupl, i tink dis is a v romantik osng. Kim, by Eminem.” (Warning: this is an actual song. I wish i was joking.)

The band began playing, and rose sang beautifully,

“DON'T MAKE ME WAKE THIS BABY!  
SHE DON'T NEED TO SEE WHAT I'M 'BOUT TO DO!  
QUIT CRYING, BITCH! WHY DO YOU ALWAYS MAKE ME SHOUT AT YOU?!  
HOW COULD YOU JUST LEAVE ME AND LOVE HIM OUT OF THE BLUE?!  
OH, WHAT’S THE MATTER, KIM? AM I TOO LOUD FOR YOU?!  
TOO BAD, BITCH! YOU'RE GONNA FINALLY HEAR ME OUT THIS TIME!”

Snape and Hermione swayed to the rhythm of the oh-so-romantic Eminem song. Looking into his eyes, Hermione realized how soulful they were, like chocolate turdy ORBS.

Finally, the song ended.

“HA-HA, GOT YA! GO AHEAD, YELL!  
HERE, I’LL SCREAM WITH YOU, AH, SOMEBODY HELP!  
DON’T YOU GET IT, BITCH? NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU!  
NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET WHAT’S COMIN’ TO YOU!  
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO LOVE ME!  
NOW BLEED, BITCH, BLEED! BLEED, BITCH, BLEED! BLEED!”

Everyone applauded Rose’s voice, except for Remus and Sirius.

After Hermione and Snape parted, Remus decided to get to the next part of the plan. Snape always seemed to know things, so he grabbed his attention.

“Severus, could I have a word?” he asked quietly.

Snape rolled his eyes. “Why would I want to do that? Don’t you have Black for that?”

Remembering their previous “relationship,” Remus had to think fast. “Look, I’m sorry, but this isn’t about that. But we need to go somewhere private.”

Snape huffed. “Fine.” They walked out of the ballroom and into a secluded hallway. “What is so bloody important?”

Rummaging inside his coat, he took out My Immortal. “Does this ring a bell to you?”

Unsure, Snape touched the cover with curiosity. “I don’t believe s-” His eyes opened wide mid-sentence. “Oh! I… Oh.”

“Indeed,” Remus muttered. “Look, we need your -”

“ATTENTION EVERYONEEEE!!!!1!” Rose screeched. “ASSEMBLE IN THE BALLROOM PLEAAAASE.”

Remus grabbed Snape’s shoulder. “Could you pretend that this didn’t happen for now? I’ll explain later.”

“Alright,” Snape said. They walked back into the ballroom.

“Snape, Hermione,” Rose announced. “As a gift to my two friends, I present thee…. THE KEY TO THE HOTEL BRIDAL SUITE!”

Hermione and Snape reluctantly took the key and walked down the hall, finding the room.

"Granger, or Snape I guess…"

"I'm keeping my last name," Hermione interrupted.

Snape rolled his eyes. "Now, I'll have to teach you to please a man. Judging by the looks of you, you don't know shit for dick." Snape cringed. He had to keep up the ruse, whatever it was. He had no interest in sex with Granger of all people, so he'd have to bite his tongue for now.

Hermione gasped. "No way!"

Snape inhaled before grabbing Hermione's arm. "Oh, you will." In that moment he realized that he would have to… basically assault her. Although, he did enjoy seeing her scared, so maybe this wasn't terrible. "Undress yourself."

Hermione slowly removed her garments, only covered by shame.

*you can guess what happens next. Hermione gets into it and they fuck*

Meanwhile, in the ballroom…

Rose groaned. "no1 is pating attentiob 2 meee!" So she tapped Flour on the shoukder and dey mad out.

Several feet away, Sirius was pretending to sip his drink, staring at Rose suspiciously. She really didn't understand subtlety.


	9. The Morning After

Hermione woke up, finding herself in an unfamiliar place.

Then it all came back.

The condescending smirk, disrobing, the tears… the lust. She… liked it?

"You're terrible in bed," Snape said, on the other end of the room.

He's so hot… wait, what? Hermione thought.

"Get on your knees," Snape demanded. For a split second, he looked pensive, as if trying to remember something, but shook it off, continuing his glare.

"No!"

"Too bad. Do you want to be sent to Azkaban?"

"This law is kind of rapey," Hermione pointed out.

"I don't make the rules," Snape retorted.

"But you're taking advantage of them to make me your sex slave!" Hermione shouted. She sighed. "Did you at least wear a condom? I don't want to get pregnant again."

"Again?!" Snape exclaimed.

"Did you forget?" Hermione said. "In my seventh year you got me pregnant. For some reason she's 11 and not 19. Anyway, her name is…" she checked her palm, which had writing on it. "Rosie. I named her after Rose. She insisted. So, like. I want you two to have a relationship. She wants to know who are…"

"Alright then," Snape said. "Disparate!"

Poof!

*

Snape sashayed in. "Sup, hoes. I'm Snape and I'm bitter as fuck." (We love a callback amirite)

So he taught the class bla bla bla then the class ended.

"Rosie," Snape said. "Stay after class."

Rosie walked forward. "Yes?"

"Rosie…" (LOUD BREATH) "I am your father."

Rosie gasped, tears falling from her eyes. "So it is true! I love you, Daddy!" She hugged Snape, but he remained still.

"I hate you," Snape said.

Rosie ignored the remark, then skipped off to her next class.

Suddenly, Hermione and Draco apparated into the classroom, even though you can’t apparate inside Hogwarts. Why are Hermione and Draco together right now? PLOT CONVIENIENCE. FIGHT ME. WE GOTTA GET ALL THE CLICHES IN.

Draco punched Snape in the nose. “You sorry excuse of a man,” he growled. “All Hermione wanted was for you to give your daughter a chance, and you can’t even do that? Fuck you.” He huffed and walked out into the hallway, Hermione following close behind.

“wHy DiD yOu Do ThAt?” HeRmIuOnE wHiSpErEd SeXiLy WiTh TeArS iN hEr EyEs.

“bEcAuSe I lOve YoU,” hE WhIsPeReD bAcK. Den dey kisssd.

Out in the distance, a faint laugh could be heard, yet Draco and Hermione were unsure as to what it was saying. It sounded like something along the lines of, “stoopid fokin prepz,” but they chose to ignore it.


	10. Shit Gets Lit

Sirius paced back and forth in the living room of the Potter residence after discussing the final plan with the group.

“So we have the plan set?” he asked anxiously.

“Everything will go according to plan,” Lily affirmed.

“But-”

Remus walked over to his lover and gently placed his hand on his shoulder. “Hey,” he whispered. “It’s going to be alright.”

Sirius looked him in the eye, tears forming. “But we’re going to-”

“We have to accept it, Padfoot,” James reasoned, him and Lily walking over to the pair. “Harry’ll be…” His voice cracked, but he choked out, “... happy.”

Lily brought the four of them into a group hug, letting their tears fall.

*

The Hogwarts students were enjoying their dinner in the Great Hall, mindlessly chattering about, unbeknownst of how their lives would change.

In the backroom, the group were going over their plan one last time, when suddenly -

“sErious!!!!1!” Rose barked out of nowhere. Sirius suddenly found himself pushed up against the wall.

“You don’t scare me,” Sirius hissed through gritted teeth.

“Can’t you see it’s four against one, Rose?” Lily said, extending her wand. “Petrificus Totalus!”

The spell hit Rose right in the chest, but she didn’t even flinch. Everyone stared in surprise.

“Did u 4git?1!1!?” Rose smirked. “i’M unstApabl!111!”

“No, you’re not,” James growled. “We have all the power here.”

Rose walked out into the Great Hall, pulling all of them with her with her Mary Sue strength. She gestured to the audience. “Luk @ dem, sirios. Der hapy. Y wood u want 2 change dis? No war, no hate.”

The students payed no attention. Sirius looked down.

“LOOK AT THEM!” Rose screamed. “FUCKING LOOK AT THEM! DON’T YOU WANT A HAPPY LIFE? YOU HAVE YOUR FRIENDS! YOU HAVE HARRY! YOU HAVE EVERYTHING YOU COULD EVER WANT!”

Harry, Hermione, Ginny, and Draco Apparated into the room by Rose’s force. They smiled at her, happily. Content. Submissive.

Revealing a broom, Sirius mounted it and flew above everyone in the room. Removing the book from his jacket, he ripped out the pages and flung them everywhere, making the room rain the dreaded pages of Rose’s - no, Ebony’s - real identity.

When all the pages were scattered, James, Lily, and Remus lowered Sirius until he was back on the ground. The contentment amongst the Great Hall slowly turned to complete silence… then chaos. People were running, screaming in confusion, memories flooding back. The group of four witnessed hundreds of reunions before their very eyes that only could be described as magical.

“Pedro, I missed you! It’s like all the Hufflepuffs dissapeared!”

“Abigail, I can’t believe they seperated us! Just because I’m a Gryffindor and you’re a Slytherin?”

“Yuzhu, I knew we wouldn’t let the colors of our skin keep us apart.”

It almost brought tears to his eyes, seeing so many friends come together, like he did with his, but was startled by a flash of dark skin and black hair racing toward him.

“I missed you,” his godson cried. Harry went around, hugging all of them.

As Remus hugged his former student, Sirius looked at all of them. They all solemnly nodded.

James put a hand on his son’s shoulder. “There is one thing,” he said carefully. “Pretty soon… we’ll be gone again. Because we all have our memories back… we have to go back. And all of this will be gone. We won’t remember any of this.”

Harry stared in disbelief. “But I just got you back.”

“We know,” Remus said. “But it’s meant to be.”

“You’ll have Ron again,” Lily reminded him. They noticed Harry give a small smile at the mention of the name. “Ginny. Your kids. You’ll have your life back. A happy one. We know that the memories of… the war will still be there, but you’ll still get your happy ending.”

“It isn’t a happy ending without you,” Harry whispered.

Sirius put his hands on Harry’s shoulders. “Don’t you remember what we said? We’ll stay with you.”

“Until the very end,” James added.

Harry gave another bittersweet smile, and they all smiled back.

Everything would be okay.

Slowly, the group could feel lighter and lighter, everything slowly fading…


	11. Epilogue: Nineteen Years Later

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This entire chapter is essentially plagiarized... with some minor changes. Can you find them?

Autumn seemed to arrive suddenly that year. The morning of the first of September was crisp as an apple, and as the little family bobbed across the rumbling road toward the great sooty station, the fumes of car exhausts and the breath of pedestrians sparkled like cobwebs in the cold air. Two large cages tattled on top of the laden trolleys the parents were pushing; the owls inside them hooted indignantly, and the redheaded girl trailed fearfully behind her brothers, clutching her father's arm.

"It won't be long, and you'll be going too," Harry told her.

"Two years," sniffed Lily. "I want to go now!"

The commuters stared curiously at the owls as the family wove its way toward the barrier between platforms nine and ten, Albus's voice drifted back to Harry over the surrounding clamor; his sons had resumed the argument they had started in the car.

"I won't! I won't be a Slytherin!"

"James, give it a rest!" said Ginny.

"I only said he might be," said James, grinning at his younger brother. "There's nothing wrong with that. He might be in Slytherin."

But James caught his mother's eye and fell silent. The five Potters approached the barrier. With a slightly cocky look over his shoulder at his younger brother, James took the trolley from his mother and broke into a run. A moment later, he had vanished.

"You'll write to me, won't you?" Albus asked his parents immediately, capitalizing on the momentary absence of his brother.

"Every day, if you want us to," said Ginny.

"Not every day," said Albus quickly, "James says most people only get letters from home about once a month."

"We wrote to James three times a week last year," said Ginny.

"And you don't want to believe everything he tells you about Hogwarts," Harry put in. "He likes a laugh, your brother."

Side by side, they pushed the second trolley forward, gathering speed. As they reached the barrier, Albus winced, but no collision came. Instead, the family emerged onto platform nine and three-quarters, which was obscured by thick white steam that was pouring from the scarlet Hogwarts Express. Indistinct figures were swarming through the mist, into which James had already disappeared.

"Where are they?" asked Albus anxiously, peering at the hazy forms they passed as they made their way down the platform.

"We'll find them," said Ginny reassuringly.

But the vapor was dense, and it was difficult to make out anybody's faces. Detached from their owners, voices sounded unnaturally loud, Harry thought he head Percy discoursing loudly on broomstick regulations, and was quite glad of the excuse not to stop and say hello. . . .

"I think that's them, Al," said Ginny suddenly.

A group of four people emerged from the mist, standing alongside the very last carriage. Their faces only came into focus when Harry, Ginny, Lily, and Albus had drawn right up to them.

"Hi," said Albus, sounding immensely relieved.

Rose, who was already wearing her brand-new Hogwarts robes, beamed at him.

"Parked all right, then?" Ron asked Harry. "I did. Hermione didn't believe I could pass a Muggle driving test, did you? She thought I'd have to Confound the examiner."

"No, I didn't," said Hermione, "I had complete faith in you."

"As a matter of fact, I did Confund him," Ron whispered to Harry, as together they lifted Albus's trunk and owl onto the train.

"I only forgot to look in the wing mirror, and let's face it, I can use a Supersensory Charm for that."

Back on the platform, they found Lily and Hugo, Rose's younger brother, having an animated discussion about which House they would be sorted into when they finally went to Hogwarts.

"If you're not in Gryffindor, we'll disinherit you," said Ron, "but no pressure."

"Ron!"

Lily and Hugo laughed, but Albus and Rose looked solemn.

"He doesn't mean it," said Hermione and Ginny, but Ron was no longer paying attention. 

Catching Harry's eye, he nodded covertly to a point some fifty yards away. The steam had thinned for a moment, and three people stood in sharp relief against the shifting mist.

"Look who it is."

Draco Malfoy was standing there with his wife and son, a dark coat buttoned up to his throat. His hair was receding somewhat, which emphasized the pointed chin. The new boy resembled Draco as much as Albus resembled Harry. Draco caught sight of Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny staring at him, nodded curtly, and turned away again.

"So that's little Scorpius," said Ron under his breath. "Make sure you beat him in every test, Rosie. Thank God you inherited your mother's brains."

"Ron, for heaven's sake," said Hermione, half stern, half amused. "Don't try to turn them against each other before they've even started school!"

"You're right, sorry," said Ron, but unable to help himself, he added, "Don't get too friendly with him, though, Rosie. Granddad Weasley would never forgive you if you married a pureblood."

"Hey!"

James had reappeared; he had divested himself of his trunk, owl, and trolley, and was evidently bursting with news.

"Teddy's back there," he said breathlessly, pointing back over his shoulder into the billowing clouds of steam.

"Just seen them! And guess what they're doing? Snogging Victoire!"

He gazed up at the adults, evidently disappointed by the lack of reaction.

"Our Teddy! Teddy Lupin! Snogging our Victoire! Our cousin! And I asked Teddy what they were doing --"

"You interrupted them?" said Ginny. "You are so like Ron --"

"-- and they said he'd come to see her off! And then they told me to go away. They're snogging her!" James added as though worried he had not made himself clear.

"Oh, it would be lovely if they got married!" whispered Lily ecstatically. "Teddy would really be part of the family then!"

"They already comes round for dinner about four times a week," said Harry. "Why don't we just invite them to live with us and have done with it?"

"Yeah!" said James enthusiastically. "I don't mind sharing with Al--Teddy could have my room!"

"No," said Harry firmly, "you and Al will share a room only when I want the house demolished." He checked the battered old watch that had once been Fabian Prewett's.

"It's nearly eleven, you'd better get on board."

"Don't forget to give Neville our love!" Ginny told James as she hugged him.

"Mum! I can't give a professor love!"

"But you know Neville--"

James rolled his eyes.

"Outside, yeah, but at school he's Professor Longbottom, isn't he? I can't walk into Herbology and give him love. . . ."

Shaking his head at his mother's foolishness, he vented his feelings by aiming a kick at Albus.

"See you later, Al. Watch out for the thestrals."

"I thought they were invisible? You said they were invisible!"

But James merely laughed, permitted his mother to kiss him, gave his father a fleeting hug, then leapt onto the rapidly filling train. They saw him wave, then sprint away up the corridor to find his friends.

"Thestrals are nothing to worry about," Harry told Albus. "They're gentle things, there's nothing scary about them. Anyway, you won't be going up to school in the carriages, you'll be going in the boats."

Ginny kissed Albus good-bye. "See you at Christmas."

"Bye, Al," said Harry as his son hugged him. "Don't forget Hagrid's invited you to tea next Friday. Don't mess with Peeves. Don't duel anyone till you've learned how. And don't let James wind you up."

"What if I'm in Slytherin?"

The whisper was for his father alone, and Harry knew that only the moment of departure could have forced Albus to reveal how great and sincere that fear was.

Harry crouched down so that Albus's face was slightly above his own. Alone of Harry's three children, Albus had inherited Lily's eyes.

"Albus Merlin," Harry said quietly, so that nobody but Ginny could hear, and she was tactful enough to pretend to be waving to Rose, who was now on the train, "you were named after a Slytherin, and he was probably one of the bravest men in all of history."

"But just say--"

"--then Slytherin House will have gained an excellent student, won't it? It doesn't matter to us, Al. But if it matters to you, you'll be able to choose Gryffindor over Slytherin. The Sorting Hat takes your choice into account."

"Really?"

"It did for me," said Harry.

He had never told any of his children that before, and he saw the wonder in Albus's face when he said it. But how the doors were slamming all along the scarlet train, and the blurred outlines of parents swarming forward for final kisses, last-minute reminders, Albus jumped into the carriage and ginny closed the door behind him. Students were hanging from the windows nearest them. A great number of faces, both on the train and off, seemed to be turned toward Harry.

"Why are they all staring?" demanded Albus as he and rose craned around to look at the other students.

"Don't let it worry you," said Ron. "It's me, I'm extremely famous."

Albus, Rose, Hugo, and Lily laughed. The train began to more, and Harry walked alongside it, watching his son's thin face, already ablaze with excitement. Harry kept smiling and waving, even though it was like a little bereavement, watching his son glide away from him. . . .

The last trace of steam evaporated in the autumn air. The train rounded a corner. Harry's hand was still raised in farewell.

"He'll be alright," murmured Ginny.

As Harry looked at her, he lowered his hand absentmindedly and touched the lightning scar on his forehead.

"I know he will."

The scar had not pained Harry for nineteen years. All was well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who didn't catch the changes:  
I got rid of Albus's horrendous middle name.  
I also gave Teddy they/them (because I read a pommedeplume fic where Teddy was nonbinary and honestly I am FOR IT)
> 
> Also, for those who are wondering, "If you made Sirius and Remus endgame, what about Tonks?" WELL, I ship both Woflstar and Ronks, so I've decided that after they died, Remus became married to both Sirius and Tonks, because polyamory exists. Let my bisexual son be happy with his gay husband and his pansexual wife.


End file.
